Well, it’s official. We are pregnant, and its gonna be siblings! That’s what the agency told us when they called. I know what you might be thinking, “Hasn’t it always been siblings?” Yes, and no. Let me explain the process as best I can as to how it normally goes:
First, you and your spouse decide that you want to internationally adopt, and you may have even picked the country that you want to adopt from and the agency with which you want to work. You then contact that agency and fill out an application and pay an application fee.
After your approval, you get your initial paperwork and fee schedule where they share with you what you will pay, who the money goes to, and at what point in the process that payment is due. You agree and then get your first packet of documents to fill out for your home study which will take about 4 months. Then comes the referral where you get some kids sent to you to say yes or no to, and then you begin your dossier to be sent to the country. We are now about 6 to 8 months into the process.
God’s plan for us was a little different. We got our home study, dossier, and referral packet all in one box, all at one time, and the clock has now started. It is now official… real… and scary. I was ready for the official and real part, but the scary, the real and deep feeling of scary, that I was not so ready for. Its like waiting in line for a new roller coaster thinking you’ve got an hour or more to wait, prepare, and psyche yourself up for all the fast twists, turns, ups and downs. But you don’t get that hour because someone comes to get you, moves you to the front of the line, puts you in the front car, and you hear as the bar goes down, “please remember to keep your hands and feet in the car at all times”. You think to yourself, “But I’m not ready”, “I don’t know if I can do this”, “Was I in the right line to begin with?” The merry-go-round is looking really good now.
The fear comes at different times, it’s really unfair how it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. When I get up late at night and go to the fridge for a glass of water and see Chad and Ubang’s picture and think, “What am I doing?”. It comes when we are studying through our workbook and they tell us about night terrors and we think about Zach and Liz and ask, “Are we doing the right thing?”.
But then I think of that picture, about the drawings Ubang did that they sent us, the video we saw of them playing at the orphanage. I remember seeing Chad, swinging on a swing being pushed by her brother, laughing and giggling so that if I close my eyes it might be Lizzie that I am hearing. Or watching her chase balloons through the courtyard of the orphanage laughing and giggling, pulling at her jacket that is falling off her and now being stretched out because it’s hanging at her elbows, just like Liz when she is excited and playing.
I think of Ubang and the face he made when, though I didn’t understand the language, they were trying to get him to kiss his sister on the cheek for the camera. He had the same face Zach would make, and I remember saying, “Buddy we will never make you do that for the camera”, and Zach beside me saying, “No we won’t!”. I remember him kicking a soccer ball, racing his sister on a hopping ball, bouncing balloons. He looks just like any other kid, because he is. He could be Zach, she could be Liz.
And not only are the kids familiar, the fear is too. It just took me longer to remember because it has been a while, almost 13 years now. When one February morning we put Zach into a car seat for the first time and pulled out of the parking lot at Clark Memorial Hospital. Karie and I both looked at each other in amazement, saying, “I can’t believe those people are going to let us take him home! If they knew what a couple of goofballs we were (were, because we are totally not goofballs now), they would never let us take him home”. But they did, and we were okay. And Liz came, and we were okay. And now Ubang and Chad are coming. Its official. And we are okay. The same God that watched over us then is watching over us now. He didn’t let us mess up our kids then, and He won’t now. He is the same, yesterday, today, and forever more (Hebrews 13:8). He is good (Psalm 73:1) and He can be trusted (Psalm 9:10). Especially when it is scary.
Brian
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